The other day I was talking to an acquaintance and she kept blaming herself for being in a marriage she wasn’t supposed to be in. She ended a long divorce process after 7 years of marriage. I was able to see her pain and it was a hard pill to swallow because she is a beautiful, successful and intelligent woman. My only advice was ‘STOP BLAMING YOURSELF! It is not your fault’. We blame ourselves as an excuse for why we did something wrong or why we made that bad decision.
Well we need to stop; we need to understand that our decisions make us who we are. They make us grow but they have consequences. We need to see our good and bad decisions as experiences. Many of us are so wounded by our experiences that the only relief is to blame ourselves.
I am wounded by my childhood. It was not my fault that my father was abusive and hit my mother and brother, or that my parents weren’t affectionate towards us. I had to learn to hug and kiss someone because that was not what I knew growing up. It’s been hard to learn to be loved because that was not part of me. The women in my life never showed me to respect myself because in the household I grew up in, you needed to expect everything from a man, be quiet and settle. I will never forget when my grandfather and uncle would go to the house after my father abused my mother and tell her to be good and not upset my father.
Many people say that I made many bad decisions and maybe I did. But I am not blaming myself anymore. I had to experience what I did to be who I am. There are so many people that are wounded but don’t show their scars. They are afraid of rejection or blame. I’ve learnt not to care anymore and verbalize when I don’t like something. It is a work in progress because I’ve been afraid of what people say for most part of my life. My culture is extremely judgmental and I’ve had to learn and accept that I am the controller of my life.
We need to learn to grow with experiences, either good or bad. Life is a learning journey and if you get stuck with the blame, you will never move forward. We need to heal as a society and understand that we are and will never be perfect. That is the beauty of each one of us, our wounds make us unique. Don’t be afraid to show your wounds because it won’t make you weaker but stronger. We all have them, we all have a story and so many times all those stories are hidden in ourselves. So stop being afraid and blaming yourself. It is not an easy task but it will play a big role in healing your broken parts.